Yesterday, came back from the appreciation dinner. The theme was geek look, and it was fun.

But the real stars of the night are really the 14th comm, it’s their graduation party. Amidst the crazy antics and stuff, i kept thinking about just what was on each of their minds. Maybe not during the party itself, since it’s surely one hellavu logistics as well, but when the party ends and the music stops, what’s playing on their mind as each of them make their silent way home.

I wasn’t very close to any of them, so I wasn’t in the best position to know and understand the going-ons behind the scene. But one thing I’m pretty damn sure, is that this is one hellavu cca, even if it’s not visibly obvious to anyone outside the circle. Why else would the seniors and grand seniors make a beeline for just about every HI involved events everytime? Why else would we still identify strongly with the entity when we are no longer officially on the roster roll? So the amount of sacrifices, the amount of dedications, the late nights clocked in, the memories forged, for the comm really isn’t too difficult to imagine.

Sometimes, we try to quantify an experience using the amount of memorable memories inked on our little brains or the lessons that we picked up along the way. I would prefer to base it on the intensity of the aftermath at the end of every journey. The greater the impact of it, the harder it is for you to start all over again.

The end, such a scary place to start.
Every ending, is a new beginning.

I know a thing or two about endings. It’s still seemingly fresh that I still dream of it sometimes. 13 August 2008 to 17 January 2009, the greatest experience of my quarter-century long life. Drawing to a close then, it felt terribly terrible. I was officially an exchange student at LiTH, but in truth, I went to the school of life. My memories are filled with countless laughter and fun, but memories do fade and gets superceded. It’s the little lessons we picked up along the way, from one another, that remains significant, and its significance can only grow with age. Like the building stones of the first foundation of the person that we could be in the future.

When the parties end, and the music stops, that’s when we reflect and realised what a great deal we’ve been through. It’s like putting the full-stop after the last sentence of an amazing chapter in the diary. What awaits? I don’t really want to find out, till I’m totally done immersing myself in what have just happened.

On a sunday morning, with plenty of sleep the night before, is a good sunday morning. Flipping through the papers, I found this excerpt from an article about unhappy scholars. I was just about to flip the pages until i came across this under the comments column. i was having troubles expressing how exactly it feels at the end of my exchange at the start of 2009, i think this excerpt rationalised it very aptly.

It felt terrible, to know that the fairy tale was coming to an end…

For as much as it was enriching, my time overseas was disorientating. The more I saw, the lesser I was sure of who I was, where I came from and where I stood.

Contrary to the writer’s opinion, I regard the ‘disorientating’ positively. It was a refreshing experience as you discover more about yourself. It was disorientating, it leaves me confused and upset. But as I try to gather those memories and experience, and give them second and third thoughts, I realised that all of those have strengthened me, in many ways.

It’s like sailing out in the sea.

If I had chosen to stay in the gentle and calm sea where I was entirely familiar with, I’m likely to have grown at a pace that I’m normally used to. No doubt it’s also growth, as over the same period time, I would also learn to be better at steering my sail.

But by choosing to sail out to the more choppy waters and bigger waves, it’s less comfortable, it’s disorientating. But at the end of the storm, as the sea calms down, have I become a much better sailor? I think so.

back for a little more than a week now. fortunate enough to have this little break to take time to adjust myself back to everything here. sorting out my physical baggages and mental baggages, i thought it’s probably about the right time to put some things into perspective.

this experience didn’t come easy. it wasn’t cheap either. it was a hell lot of memories made and remembered, great friendships across borders established and a lot more. i’m like a little tortoise living at the bottom of the well, looking at the same sky and trying to imagine an imaginary world outside. Then someone came along and gave me a ride on the paper aeroplane. I saw what’s outside and never felt the same again.

i don’t know how to put it to words, but simply put, I think I’ve grown up quite a bit. Not physically even though I did gain some winter-fat haha. I guess mentally, there’s quite a bit of changes going on up there. I was a little confused about directions. It’s a lot clearer now. I know what I want, I want what I want. The little knocks and bumps along the way helped.

Learning, still very much in progress.

my way – Frank Sinatra

Shaun sent me a sms from Stockholm – He’s at the airport and leaving for home now. I’m still in Amsterdam. I don’t know what to make of the sms. This moment, it felt surreal. Just not too long ago, I remember spending evenings having dinner with him at the now-defunct Canteen A talking about everything about our exchange. We were talking about which countries to choose and finally when it was decided that Sweden it will be, right till the last day of application we were still deciding on either Lulea or Linköping. And the reason for the final choice was that Lulea is too up north and cold, so Linköping it was.

Funny how difficult decision was decided by such simple reason, yet its consequences would have been massive.

5 months down the road, sometimes by air, sometimes by train, sometimes even by cruise, i’ve become a little traveling bug, hopping from cities to cities. Ask me to rank my favourite cities so far, and I could go ya-daa, ya-daa, ya-daa. But at the end of each travel, I’m always looking forward to go home – Ryd in Linköping. Venice is my favourite city, but Linköping is my home – my home away from home where my mum and dad are. In there, I’m a resident, I’m a student, I’m a corridor-hopper, I’m a Hemköper, even if I don’t speak any Swedish.

And suddenly I’m packing my bags, I’m vacating my room, I’m cleaning up my kitchen, I’m bidding farewell. I’m no longer a resident, I’m no longer a student, but this place holds a special spot in my mind and heart.

Cheryl was saying – “Leave behind your apprehensions and go out there and have fun’ before I left. She just came back from her exchange in Jonköping. Those words stuck to my mind, but I could never comprehend it properly. At that time, I just came back from a wonderful 2 weeks trip in Laos making many great friends and leaving behind many wonderful memories. How could I ever understand what she meant? And leaving behind many close friends from every corner, it just felt like I’m missing out on a lot of their lives.

Traveling for the first time, it was nervy, unsettling yet very exciting. Alas, I did lose my way, missed my train and cursed my bumpy start to this supposedly exciting journey. Thank God, Martin came and picked me up from the train station, was quickly introduced to my first new friends, first Korean friends too – Hansil, Jo and Yunman. Before I know it, I was thrown into more fikas, meeting even more new friends – Souhei, Machiko, Mijung, Eunseon, Alex, Mai, Shiho, Yuri, Johannes, Kent, Martin, Aki, Mariamme and more. Together, we had countless fikas, we ate good food together, we played games together, we got drunk together, we travelled together, we karaoke together, we countdown to the new year together, we took lots of pictures together, and we just had bloody loads of fun together!

I’m a firm believer of the ‘footprints theory’, that wherever we go, whatever we do, we always leave behind footprints in each others lives. Each of them left a set of unique footprints in me, some deeper than others, that I’m gonna remember for a long long time.

A decision I made 5 months ago. Came with 2 bags full of clothes and necessities, and a belly full of blessings and well-wishes. Now I’m on the verge heading back home, with the same 2 bags full of same clothes and necessities but another huge luggage filled with tonnes of memories and newfound friendships. Thai Airways says I’ve got only 30 kg to check-in, but I don’t think that’s enough because these stuff are going to last me a lifetime.

If I don’t like you, I wouldn’t miss you. How I hate occasions like this, how I hate leaving and farewells. But I guess the greater the pain of leaving, the more outstanding this experience must have been. Thank you for this chapter.

I just want to listen and remember more.
Then slowly fade away.